


The First of my Last

by Grace_28 (orphan_account)



Series: My Destiel Heart [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canceled engagement, Character Death, Childhood Friends, Confessions, Did I mention fluff?, First Kiss, Funeral, Hell for Cas, M/M, Mentions of Death, Mutual Pining, Slight fluff, Suicidal Castiel, biology major Castiel, mechanic major Dean, slight mentions of insecure Dean, time does not heal, understanding sam winchester and gabriel novak
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-10-19 18:20:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,520
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20661653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Grace_28
Summary: When Dean Winchester invites his best friend to his wedding, Castiel Novak is suddenly in it for the worst three days of his life.





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think!

‘February 14th, 1979:

If you ask the Winchesters where their sons were, they would say they were at the Novak’s house. It doesn’t matter which one you refer to. The answer would always be the same. And if you ask the Novaks were their sons were, they’d be confused because they had their real sons and their step-sons. They’d tell you both just in case. Even from a young age, the kids in those families were inseparable. And they knew it.’

Castiel Novak thought of the words he had written into his journal very often. He thinks of them when he first rises from his bed. He thinks of them when he goes to school. He thinks of them when he goes to bed. And he had thought of them when Dean Winchester comes over to his house to study. He supposes that he was so occupied with those words that he didn’t realize that his reality was being altered.

So now he stands in his room, holding the blue envelope in shock. It’d been a year since he’d last seen or spoken to his best friend. They’d separated, mostly because Castiel was interested in Biology, specifically animals, and because Dean was interested in Engineering. They’d gone to different universities two years ago, and they’d constantly kept in touch until Dean cut off all contact a year ago. But Castiel couldn’t blame him. He was a busy man. He had an English paper due in two hours and a report of marine ecosystems due the next day. Castiel needed to focus. However, he couldn’t concentrate.

Because how much time actually passed? How much did he change? How much did he lose? How much was he willing to lose?

His thoughts consistently contradicted every attempt he made to finish his work. He was so stressed about the envelope that he no longer cared about his school. He only cared about Dean. 

It was like time rewinded for Castiel. Dean… he loved being with Dean. When they were kids, they were both on the local basketball team. Dean was amazing. The way he effortlessly defeated all the other players on their team and the opponent’s team was beautiful. He was always cheerful and he always had this aura that people loved to be around. Dean was also incredibly smart in every subject. Castiel realized that when he was in his class for Pre-Calc. and Dean had aced every test he was given. He never failed a single class. 

Castiel was the complete opposite. He was shy, and he was quiet. He was better at shooting from a long distance, and he preferred analyzing more than actually playing the sport. And though he wasn’t as smart as Dean, Castiel learned that he was a quick learner and that he was able to memorize quickly. So in times like these, Castiel couldn’t help but wonder why they were close in the first place. Err, somewhat close. They were complete opposites.

Castiel still couldn’t get over how Dean didn’t bother to tell him that he had a girlfriend. Or asked for advice from him about proposing. Not like Castiel ever had any experiences with dating or anything, but the thought would be nice.

Castiel sighed and put on his headphones to block out these unnecessary thoughts. He quickly typed up his English paper and his report on the local ecosystem, and then he purchased a ticket for Kansas.

~

Castiel was… he was overwhelmed with how good it felt to be home. Nothing changed. Still, he had this uneasy feeling at the bottom of his stomach. To take his mind off of it, Castiel focused on the sunset he was watching. The scenery was just as beautiful as ever, and nothing says home like the friends that greeted him when he arrived. He smiled and waved. He wasn’t sure why he was so awkward around family.

“Cassie!” Gabriel screeched when he saw his younger brother. He threw himself out the car window, fell flat on his face, and just started running towards him. Castiel tensed up when his shorter, older, and definitely more childish brother sprinted to him at full speed. Gabriel grinned as he squeezed his brother. “Wow, you’ve grown!”

“Yeah, Cas. You’re really tall now.” Sam called from the car. Castiel rolled his eyes in amusement. This kid. He was 6 foot something already, and he wasn’t even done with high school. Castiel had been shorter than him for the past 4 years of his life, and he was so exhausted from the flight that he’d rather not talk about his height. “Just kidding!”

“Gabriel, you’ve spent too much time with Sam,” Castiel remarked. Gabriel laughed and picked up Castiel’s bag. He sent Castiel a distasteful look. “What?”

“Why’s your bag so light?” Gabriel asked, starting to walk back to his car. Castiel followed and shrugged. 

“I’ll only be here for the wedding, and then I need to go back to university,” Castiel replied. Gabriel huffed and tossed the bag inside. He then proceeded to throw himself into the front seat. Castiel raised an eyebrow but said nothing. He’d lived with Gabriel for too long to know that he won’t change a thing. “I heard you got promoted at the hospital.”

“Yeah. It’s not too late if you want to become a doctor like your idol!” Gabriel beamed. Castiel smiled back at him awkwardly.

“I’ll pass.” Gabriel pouted and Castiel couldn’t help the small giggle that escaped.

“Guess it’s only me and Mich who are becoming doctors. Luci said he didn’t-”

“Give a rat’s ass. I know.” Castiel intervened. He didn’t want to talk about his other older brother either. Lucifer… he wasn’t exactly the best brother he could ask for. Yes, he loved and cared for Castiel, but he was also a douche that criticized Castiel’s choice of Harvard for his school. Lucifer had expected Castiel to go into Law as he did, and he was disappointed when Castiel didn’t. So Castiel’s relationship with him wasn’t exactly peachy. 

And plus, Michael was always a huge dick to Dean, and Castiel wasn’t good at being nice to people who are huge dicks. The only brothers he was able to stand were in a different country now, plus Gabriel of course. But Gabriel was an entirely different manner. Changing the subject, he turned to Sam. “Sam, how’s high school? Do you need any help?”

“Nope! I’m getting good grades and I understand everything!” Sam sent him a thumbs up. Castiel raised an eyebrow, and the younger Winchester shrank in his seat. That was complete bullshit. Sam wasn’t the most stupid, but he wasn’t exactly a genius in Science. Sam knew it, Castiel knew it, and the whole damn high school knew it. “Okay, maybe not understand everything, but most things. I think I’ll do pretty good in the SATs.”

Castiel hummed in approval. “If you do need help though, you are always free to call me.”

“Got it, Cas.” Sam beamed. Castiel smiled back, and then he looked out the window. He hadn’t been home in so long. He was planning to visit with or without the wedding invitation anyways. A few minutes later, Sam turned to him. “We’re here.”

Castiel looked up to see that they were at his old house. He sighed. “Sam, I’m staying at a hotel.” Castiel reminded him. Sam scoffed.

“Like hell would make you stay in a filthy hotel.” Sam threw the door open. “Dean!”

Castiel felt his chest tighten at the name. He didn’t- he wasn’t expecting Dean to be in his family’s house. Well, he’d been here so many times that it’d become his own house, but Castiel still couldn’t wrap his head around that. He read the mini-story he wrote when he was young a million times, and each time he couldn’t quite believe that Dean had become like his brother. However, they’d lost contact a year ago. Dean could have changed. He could have grown an Italian mustache for all Castiel knew! He didn’t know how he could act around his best friend anymore.

Sure enough, though, his best friend came running down the stairs. Castiel almost allowed his legs to turn into jello. Dean was still as gorgeous as ever. He wore a plaid flannel and dark jeans- his usual look. His green eyes were still as clear as ever, and the only emotion Castiel could read now was confusion when they met eyes. And Castiel could tell that Dean wasn’t exactly… happy with his presence. Castiel wanted to cry, but he held his head high and stared Dean down. “Cas.”

“Hello, Dean.” Castiel cleared his throat to say. Dean looked at his younger brother in a new way. Castiel was frustrated to realize that he didn’t understand. What… what’s going on? Was Dean regretting his decision to invite him to his wedding? Should he leave? His eyes lingered on Dean’s figure for a moment before he turned to his own brother. “I think I should go.”

“What?” Both Dean and Gabriel asked, flabbergasted. Castiel said nothing in response and made a beeline to the door. Dean caught up fairly quickly. Curse his family’s short-legged genes.

“Cas, stay,” Dean asked. Castiel looked up at his friend. He didn’t recognize the cologne Dean was wearing, and he could smell the mint in Dean’s mouth. He reckoned it was Dean’s fiance’s doing. 

“No, I really- I really need to check into my room,” Castiel said. He reached for the door again.

“Cassie, don’t ruin all the fun! You haven’t even met Lisa yet.” Oh. Her name was Lisa. Huh. Castiel thought of the term, ‘you learn something new every day’.

“Wait, he didn’t?” Sam asked. Castiel could faintly hear the anger in his tone, but mostly it was confusion. Gabriel nodded, and Sam looked at Castiel in horror. “Dammit, Dean. You’ve had a full year to show Cas your fiance and you haven’t allowed them to meet?”

A year? Castiel looked at Dean, feeling more than a little hurt. Dean seemed guilty, and Castiel couldn’t bear to see the emotion on his face. He looked away quickly. “Sam, it’s okay. I’ll see her at the wedding anyways.”

“Right. I totally forgot about that.” Gabriel groaned. “Deano, Cassie here has the worst packed bag in the history of packed bags!”

“Gabriel,” Castiel said sternly. His brother rolled his eyes and continued.

“He literally only prepared a suit for the wedding. Cassie says he needs to go home afterward.”

“You aren’t staying?”

“No. My professors need me to tutor kids in my class. The sessions start next Tuesday.” Castiel said. He hoped he didn’t sound rude. He truly did want to stay, but he was struggling. The extra credit he would be given would benefit him greatly. Dean looked disappointed.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, so I need to check into my hotel room and start preparing terms and notes,” Castiel said. “Congratulations, by the way. With Lisa.”

“...thanks,” Dean said the word so quietly Castiel almost missed it. But the word did not make him feel better about his plans to leave. And, god, did he really want to leave.

~  
Castiel sighed again for the fifth time by the time morning arrived. He took another shot of whiskey, drowning in the feeling of his throat being assaulted by the drink. He didn’t know why he even decided to drink. He never liked it as much as Dean did. Throwing the thought away, Castiel refocused on his notes, speaking to himself at times. He probably jotted down enough notes for two more tutoring sessions before he was interrupted by a bell. “Fuck!”

Castiel stumbled out of his chair grumpily. Stupid pen and stupid paper. Now he has to redo all his stupid notes. He sighed again, ruffling his hair a little bit, and then opened the door. He was greeted by a slightly shorter blonde man that he knew too well. “Lucifer.”

“Hey, Castiel,” Lucifer said. He shrugged awkwardly. Castiel didn’t know what he should say to his brother. He never prepares dialogue outside of Speech and Debate club, and he desperately wished he had at the moment. “Gabriel wanted me to take you clothes shopping.”

Castiel stood at his door for a few moments before deciding it wouldn’t hurt him. “Okay.” Castiel went back into his room to get his room key.

“How’s school?” Lucifer asked the moment they were in his Mercedes Benz. Castiel shrugged again. He hoped his older brother wouldn’t bring up how he should go into Law school. Castiel already heard the medical version from Gabriel. “I hope you made friends.”

“Lucifer, you don’t need to baby me.” Castiel decided to say. Lucifer closed his mouth and sighed.

“Look, Castiel. I’m not trying to get on your nerves, I just want us to be brothers again.” Castiel narrowed his eyes, trying to read through his brother’s words. Sometimes, Lucifer said things that he could twist, and so far, Castiel can’t see any.

“We always are.”

“Good.” Lucifer sent him a small smile. Castiel did the same before they spent the rest of the time in complete silence. They exchanged simple sentences and phrases to buy Castiel clothing, but that was it. They’d always been like this from the beginning. Lucifer and Castiel never spoke much, but they understood each other completely. Except the Law and Bio majors, of course.

“Castiel, I…” Lucifer started to say something. Castiel turned back around, holding his shopping bags tightly. The sun had already set, and Castiel told his brother he needed to finish up on notes, so they decided that they needed to go home. “Again, I’m sorry about the whole Law school thing. I just… I just really wanted one of my brothers to…”

“I understand,” Castiel said. He knew very well what Lucifer was talking about. In truth, Castiel would have told his younger brother to go into Bio, if he had one. College was rather lonely if you had no friends or family to talk about it with. Especially when you are from a reserved family, and good friends were unlikely. Castiel smiled at his brother again. “See you at the wedding.”

“See you at the wedding,” Lucifer said. Castiel watched as his brother goes into his car. He rolled down the window and called out, “Oh, and Castiel? You should tell Dean about how you’re feeling about his wedding.”

~  
Castiel sighed, looking out the window of the diner he was sitting in. After Lucifer drove off, he found that he didn’t understand what his brother was talking about. Castiel didn’t know what he was referring to until the angry feeling appeared. The moment it did, Castiel took his jacket and walked to the nearby diner he had grown up with. He had sat down and organized his thoughts.

Well, it was rather obvious from the very beginning. Castiel knew the starting point of all his problems. He loved his best friend Dean. And he later figured out that his feelings were not family-like at all. He was legitimately in love with his straight as an arrow best friend, Dean Winchester. That's why, when he found out about the wedding, Castiel was miserable. He didn't truly understand why. He'd known that Dean couldn't return his feelings anyways.

Despite that, Castiel wished he was happy for his best friend. He wished he was overjoyed to see that his friend settled down in the apple pie life he always dreamt of. But all he could focus on was the fact that he was so goddamn jealous. He was jealous that Dean could find someone like that. That Dean was capable of finding someone else. He was jealous that Dean chose his fiance over his best friend. And he didn’t know which one he was more ashamed of.

If he talks to Dean about his feelings like Lucifer suggested… There could be rejection or a wedding canceled. Both were something Castiel doesn’t want to risk. Dean deserved happiness after his mother was killed. He deserved a woman who could understand and love him enough for him to grow until he reaches his limit. He deserved a woman who could make Dean smile and joke with her, and then create a family with him. He deserved better than undergraduate Castiel Novak.

Even a blind man could see that.


	2. Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!

As he sat down in a white-clothed table, Dean sighed happily and looked out the window. His wedding was coming soon, and everybody he knew and loved was celebrating with him. He’d been planning the wedding for years. The wedding would be blue themed, and there’d be a large display of beautiful cars that could be seen outside. The carpet would be green- because why the hell not?

He imagined the way he would walk in nervously to see the eyes he fell in love with. He’d see the familiar blue hue that always reminded him, not of stormy seas, but of peace and tranquility. He’d see the cyan blue eyes that lit up when the person laugh, and then he’d join. He’d see the cyan blue eyes that concentrated on the most useless things, in Dean’s perspective, and the way they’d droop when they were sad. Oh, Dean would wipe the tears away quickly, and they’d watch Charlie Zeppelin’s movies until the pain was gone forever.

He imagined that he would see the hand he always held in public. He’d bend down to kiss it again before helping his partner up the small flight of stairs stupid weddings always needed to have. Dean and his partner would curse the stairs before throwing the head back in awkward laughter. However, the laugh shared would lighten the atmosphere enough for Dean to relax and hold out his hand. They’d walk up and wait patiently for the priest to bless them or whatever, and then they’d kiss.

Then Dean imagined that they would walk over to cake stand, where they would be overjoyed to see pie instead of milky, floury cake. Dean would know immediately that it was apple pie, and he’d kiss his partner again because he knows that it’d be their doing. Sam would groan and glare into the back of his head for staring into his partner’s eyes for a bit longer. His brother would probably complain since Dean should cut the cake before eye-fucking his partner. But it's most likely because he had homework from high school to finish, and he did not need to undergo Dean’s love life all over again.

“Dean!” Wait, that’s the present! Fuck. “Get your ass off that chair before I smack you with it! I have homework you know.”

Sam huffed, putting his hands up to his sides. Dean rolled his eyes in annoyance. Sam had always been studious, and Dean just really didn’t care about school. For him, family had always been no. 1, and school was no. 4, after Cas and cars. He just didn’t understand why he should learn about slopes or whatever if he wasn’t going to even use it. “Come on, Sammy. Liven up a little!”

“Dean, this is your wedding. Of course, I can’t lighten up!” Sam sighed, shooting Dean another angry glare. Dean sighed and stood up reluctantly. Okay, he was being a jerk. But this wasn’t Dean’s dream wedding. For one, the wedding is indoors, and two, there was no beautiful apple pie near him. Dean was surrounded by traditionalists, and he could not have his damn wedding in peace. Who could blame a guy for being grumpy?

Dean moved to another table and sat back down. He heard his brother sigh again, but Dean ignored him. He continued to think about blue and apple pies until his fiance walked in with a clipboard in her hand. “Okay, guys. All the tables are set up, and there are enough chairs for every guest. We have food prepared for the wedding, and the decor is already set up. What else do we need?”

“Pie,” Dean called. Lisa’s brown eyes lit up. Dean frowned. He shouldn’t be comparing brown to blue since blue was obviously superior, but he couldn’t help it at the moment.

“Thanks, babe. The cake will arrive an hour before we do.” Dean internally groaned. No pie? No pie means no happy life. This could not get any worse. It’s so boring to just… Plan! He hated planning things out. Why couldn’t we just go where life takes us? If there was going to be a disaster, they could just blame it on life instead of on themselves. Lisa smiled brightly before leaving the room.

Dean sighed again. He should be happy. But all he can think about is blue. He can’t seem to focus on Lisa anymore, and he couldn’t even admire Baby’s beautiful motor today. And don’t forget to mention the fact that he’d pissed Sam off twice today. He usually never ticked off his baby brother. Seriously, he meant. Dean didn’t know what was wrong with him. He got the girl he always wanted, the brother he always needed, a family that loves him, and a wedding coming soon.

So why was he so damn sad?  
~  
“Good morning, Dean,” Cas greeted when he walked through the door. Dean waved back at him. He was afraid to say something and make the really funny feeling from two nights ago explode. The feeling appeared the moment he saw Cas, and his initial happiness was overshadowed by this ugly feeling. “Did you finish setting the wedding up?”

“Yeah. Lisa is fussing over the theme though,” Dean chuckled. He continued to wipe the dishes he held in his hand. He looked up to see that his friend was staring at him oddly. Dean recognized this look. He’d seen it so many times in his lifetime on his friend that he almost grew sick of not knowing what it meant.

“That’s nice,” Cas replied at last. Cas put his backpack down and walked over to the kitchen. “Here, let me.”

“No, Cas. I got it.”

“You have a wedding coming up. Stress will give you old people wrinkles,” Cas teased. Dean felt his face light up in embarrassment. He couldn’t believe Cas remembered such a conversation. A few years ago, they were washing the dishes in this very kitchen when Dean told Cas how mature he looked. Dean told him he looked at least 20 with all the wrinkles he had on his face, and then he proceeded to tell him how he should just take his time for school since it’d give him wrinkles. Cas had laughed and told him that he’d get Dean back one day.

Cas grinned when Dean didn’t say a retort, and he took the dish from Dean’s hand. “Go drink a beer or something. I know you’re just dying for one.”

“Thank god, Cas. You’re an angel,” Dean said quickly before he dashed out of the kitchen with a case of beer in his hand. He switched the tv on and propped his legs up. “Beer, sweet beer.”

“Glad to know you haven’t changed in a year,” Cas chuckled. “Oh, I brought some pie by the way. It’s in my bag.”

No sooner than two seconds after the beginning of the sentence, Dean was scrambling for his friend’s bag. Cas always brought the best pie, and Dean could never find or buy it anywhere else. The texture was perfect, crunchy crust, and warmed at just the right temperature by the time Cas arrived at his house. Plus, the pie looked overwhelmingly beautiful every time he opened the lid. Who could blame Dean for acting like a wild animal for Cas’ pie? Nobody.

“Make sure you cut the pie in pieces to share,” Cas said. Dean wasn’t sure if he was teasing him, so Dean smiled awkwardly.

“Yeah, I’ll cut it. For myself.” Cas started to laugh and the blue eyes man came out of the kitchen to hand him a knife. Dean hastily grabbed it, hearing a sharp hiss of pain afterward. His head shot up, and he immediately threw the pie to his side. “Shit, sorry Cas!”

“No, it’s okay,” Cas tried to assure him. It didn’t work- Cas was still bleeding, and Dean was convinced it was his fault.

“I’ll get band-aids. Stay here.” Dean said and left in a hurry. If his best friend bleeds to death… Dean shuddered at the thought. He couldn’t imagine living a life without him, even if he was married to Lisa. He grabbed the box of band-aids from the pantry and jogged back to where his friend was trying to suck the blood from his palm. “Cas!”

“What?” Cas asked, raising an eyebrow. Dean sighed.

“That’s going to get infected. You do realize you have bacteria in your mouth, right?” Dean asked. Cas hung his head in shame and Dean took his hand. He turned it so that the palm was visible for him to see. Dean winced at the sight of blood, and he dipped a cotton swab into alcohol. Then he carefully cleaned Cas’ hand, grinning when he finished and had put a Barbie band-aid over the wound.

“Dean,” Cas frowned. However, his facade soon fell and he began laughing to himself. Dean found himself laughing as well. When the moment of laughter was over, Dean smiled brightly and looked at Cas. He caught Cas’ gaze and recognized the blue eyes he was often thinking of.

Dean almost fell back in shock. He was just so used to dreaming of the blue eyes this stranger had, and to think that it was Cas of all people. This was Cas, his best friend. Not Cas, the stranger. He knew Cas since he was born, and he knew him like it was remembering that he had 5 fingers on both hands. He knew every emotion Cas had, every secret he wished to throw away, and Cas’ every insecurity like it was his own. To think that all these years, the one he’d been dreaming of was by his side this entire time. And now, he was going to get married to a girl he didn’t even truly love.

Cas tilted his head and stared right back at him. It was one of the rare emotions Dean could not tell, mostly because it was still new in their friendship. Dean found himself drowning in the stormy blue eyes his entire life had revolved around. At this moment, Dean realized that he would lose his best friend, and love interest, if he got married to the girl Dean can’t remember right now. And Dean couldn’t do it. He couldn’t get married and gain so few and lose so much.

“Babe?” a smooth voice asked. Dean almost tipped over in his chair as he looked up in shock. Who- Why is Lisa back so early? There she was. The girl Dean thought he was in love with for a full year. “What are you doing?”

“I accidentally cut him with a knife,” Dean answered, turning back to Cas. He, expression wise, looked just like he had been showered by cold water in the middle of his classroom. Dean probably looked like that as well. “Er, this is Cas, by the way. And Cas, this is Lisa.”

“Hello,” Cas greeted slowly. Lisa looked at him oddly before smiling.

“Heya. Dean, I’m going to take a shower first. Maybe we can watch a movie before we go to bed.”

“Sounds good,” Dean cleared his throat. He looked back at Cas, for probably the third time, and noticed an uncomfortable expression on his face. “You mind if Cas watches with us?”

“No, it’s okay, Dean,” Cas sat up quickly. He immediately launched himself onto his feet and smiled. “I have some papers to look over. It’s due next week, you see. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Oh. Let me walk you out at least.”

“No no. Dean, it’s okay. Watch a movie with your fiance,” Cas said. With that, he disappeared through the door and he ran to his rental car. Dean tilted his head in confusion. Cas had smiled at him. But, he looked so sad.

And, dammit, was Dean tempted to run after him and do the things he was supposed to do with his fiance.  
~

Dean slumped back into his place on the sofa. The pie he had attempted to cut was still there alongside the knife he had accidentally cut his best friend with. He sighed, placing it onto the table smoothly and turning the knife the other way. Dean still felt guilty. First, he was guilty of cutting his friend. Second, he was guilty of falling in love with his friend. And last, he was guilty of marrying a girl who he doesn’t love. “Dean?”

“Hmm?” Dean hummed in response. He was still thinking of Cas and didn’t hear anything she had said. When he realized that Lisa looked at him expectantly, he sat up. “Sorry, can you repeat that?”

“I said, why don’t you go after him?” Lisa said. Dean’s jaw almost opened in surprise.

“Wha- what?”

“Don’t make me repeat myself twice. I’m telling you to go after him.”

“Lis, I can’t.” Dean sighed. He was going to get married. How would both of their images look if he went after somebody else? A man nonetheless? Lisa would be mocked for having a gay for a husband. Dean would look like a playboy, and he was just trying to settle down. And what about Cas? He’d be labeled a homewrecker! Dean couldn’t take the chance with such a risk.

“Why not?”

“For one, we’re getting married,” Dean reminded. Lisa looked as if even she forgot. This forced a few minutes of awkward silence.

“Dean. I’m fine with it,” Lisa said at last. “I know- I know you wouldn’t be happier with me than with him. It’s okay.”

“Lis, we’re getting married in 2 days.”

“I know.” Lisa shrugged. She smiled at Dean and she took off her ring. Dean noticed how she wasn’t shaking when she did, and he realized that Lisa experienced the same thing he did.

“Who…”

“The man across the street,” Lisa said. Dean wasn’t sure if he was angry or relieved. “But, he doesn’t matter right now. Go get Cas or whatever his name is.”

“Lis-”

“I swear to god, Dean Winchester. If you do not get your ass off the couch and run after the love of your life, I will take that handsome man myself.”

“Jeez! Okay!” Dean shouted in exasperation. Lisa looked rather pleased with herself as he stormed outside. Dean almost forgot to thank her, especially for all the time she’d spent dealing with him. “Hey, Lis-”

“I know. Seriously though.” Lisa motioned for him to get out. Dean chuckled and took off his own ring. He laid it on the nearest table and grabbed his car keys. He’ll tell Cas everything. Starting with how much he loved him.


	3. Part III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!

Castiel sighed, bringing his knees to his chest. He rocked slowly, in sync with the barely moving swing. He sat in front of the sunset, staring at its brightness. There was this pain in his chest, this heavy feeling that just won’t disappear. He felt as if there was something wrong with today, but the worst thing he experienced was when Lisa walked in and Dean’s eyes left his. Shaking off the thought, Castiel realized that there was only a slight loneliness now.

“Cas?” Dean?! Castiel had to squint to see that the shadow was, indeed, Dean. The sun perfectly outlined every feature of Dean Winchester, and Castiel could feel himself falling from the heat. Quite literally. “Cas, thank god you’re here. I’ve been looking for you forever!”

“Sorry,” Castiel replied. He had to look away before his heart melted. But, the light was so beautiful that Cas knew he’ll willingly die, like those flies who crash into fluorescent lamps.

“It’s fine,” Dean smiled, taking a seat. Castiel cherished the small smile the moment it appeared. “I was looking for you. Who knew you’d be in our kindergarten playground?”

It’s where we first met, Castiel wanted to reply.

“Who knew you’d find me here?” Castiel teased instead. Dean looked away bashfully. Huh, that’s new, Castiel thought.

“Just a guess,” Dean replied. He took a seat next to Castiel.

“Aren’t you supposed to be watching a movie right now? With Lis-”

“I decided to come after you,” Dean said. Castiel’s head shot up, and he looked at his friend in confusion. Dean’s eyes met his for a moment before he looked away. “Lisa said I should. So I did.”

“Oh,” Castiel replied. He looked back at the sunset, admiring how the landscape truly changes when night is about to fall. He was reminded of how Dean was similar to the sun, shining light on and making everyone beautiful. Castiel smiled at that thought.

“Cas, I think we’re not getting married,” Dean confessed. “Lisa told me that she was in love with someone else and that she knew I wouldn’t be 100% happy with her.”

“So… There’s no wedding?”

“No,” Dean confirmed. Castiel realized he had let a sigh of relief escaped. His friend looked confused for a moment, and Castiel tensed up at the reaction.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s fine, Cas. I found someone else too,” Dean’s smile was so bright. Castiel looked at him in bewilderment.

“Someone else?”

“Yeah,” Dean said softly. Castiel felt a tinge of sadness. Of course, Dean found a replacement for Lisa quickly. Castiel wondered if Dean would ever do the same to Castiel. “This person… They’re more amazing than they think they are. They’re kind, loyal, and stupidly blunt. They’re extremely funny, smart, and compassionate. Not to mention their eyes… They’ve got these eyes that just light up my whole world. I think, and I shouldn’t think this right after canceling my engagement, I want to spend the rest of my life with them.”

“She sounds like a wonderful woman,” Castiel smiled back. He should support his friend no matter what. Castiel shouldn’t feel this jealousy for someone he’s never met before.

“It’s a man,” Dean turned to look at him. Castiel’s jaw almost hit the floor.

“A dude?!” Castiel had no idea why he was freaking out so much. Is it because of hope? Is it because of nervousness? Is it because of jealousy?

“I know, it shocked me too. I guess I’ve always thought of him as my best friend, and the feelings I developed were pushed into the back of my mind. Lisa told me I should do something before he leaves.”

“He’s leaving? I’m so sorry, De-”

“It’s you, you dimwit,” Dean rolled his eyes and shouted in exasperation. Castiel froze. Sensing the awkward silence, he started to laugh.

“Nice one, Dean! You almost got me there!” He managed to say between fake laughter. Dean frowned.

“Man, is this how you react when people tell you they’re in love with you?” Castiel froze again. All traces of laughter disappeared. Oh. Dean was serious.

Man, Castiel was so happy he could die from the large increase in butterflies in his stomach. Dean looked at him and then leaned over to kiss Castiel. Their lips met briefly, but Castiel had already memorized how soft and sweet Dean’s lips were. Castiel knew he’d eaten something sweet- perhaps it was chocolate?

“Oh shit! Sorry, Cas! That was, er…”

Castiel blinked in shock. Dean kissed him. Dean. Kissed. Him. Him. He’d been waiting for a full decade for this moment, preparing for any situation, but none of that practice applied right now. What was he supposed to say? How can he make Dean feel better? “It’s okay, Dean...”

“You…”

“Remember when you first told me about your ideal wedding? You said your favorite colors, pies, and burgers had to be there,” Castiel smiled at the memory. “I thought I was going to marry you until highschool arrived at you were surrounded by girls constantly.”

“They-”

“I know. They didn’t mean anything. It didn't change the fact that I am in love with you..” Castiel shrugged. Castiel’s eyes met Dean’s forest green ones, and he almost got lost in them. Dean didn’t say anything. Then he realized what he said and jumped up in embarrassment.

“Shit! Dean, I-” Castiel cut himself short and he immediately did what he was the best at, running away from all his homework. In this case, the homework was to continue talking to Dean in a definite romantic atmosphere.

“Wait! Cas!” Dean came running after him. Castiel was so flustered that he continued running. He kept running until he heard this loud boom. Castiel turned around, but Dean was nowhere in sight.

Castiel started to run back, suddenly having a sinking feeling in his stomach. “Dean?”

There was no reply. There was just a body in the middle of the road. Plaid shirt. Dark jeans. Stains of blood. And a car parked on the side. “Dean!”

He sprinted over. His body was so tired from all the running, but Castiel forced it to go faster than ever. Amazingly, Dean’s face had no blood, and he was still breathing in Castiel’s arms. “Come on, Dean, stay with me. Stay with me, stay with me.”

Castiel looked up and shouted to the driver, “What the hell are you doing? Call an ambulance!”

“Cas…”

“I’m here, I’m here,” Castiel shushed his friend. He tried tore off parts of his shirt and clothing to tie around cuts. He attempted to save his best friend. But he knew it was imposible to do so.

“Thank you,” Dean said, breathing a bit too softly now. “For the kiss. I can die happily knowing that you love me.”

“No no no, Dean! Stay with me.” Castiel pleaded, tears running down his face. “You can’t die on me. Please, Dean.”

Dean looked so pale now, and the ambulance seemed to take forever. Still, Dean was beautiful. His eyes focused on Castiel’s, and his lips were gently parted. “Can I get… One more then?”

“Hmm?” Castiel tilted his head in confusion. He realized what Dean was saying, and he immediately leaned down. If Dean was going to live because of his kiss, he’d give him a million more. Dean’s lips moved slowly as if he was cherishing the kiss. Castiel was crying so hard, he was embarrassed that the kiss tasted salty. When Dean’s lips finally stopped moving, Castiel straightened his back and looked up at the sky.

“Why? Why would you take Dean away from me?” He asked. He wasn’t talking to anyone in particular, but he knew he was expecting an answer. Someone to blame. Warm tears were streaming down his face, and he couldn’t help sniffling. So this was why his chest had hurt the entire day. He was going to lose his best friend, no, boyfriend? Castiel allowed a shaky breath to escape, and he closed Dean’s eyes. He brought his hand up to his hair and played with it silently. He leaned down to kiss it, and the ambulance’s song played.

But Castiel heard nothing at all.  
~

“We are all gathered here today to commemorate Dean Winchester, a man who had a bright future ahead of him. He was a loved son, brother, and friend. Those who’d like to speak, please say your farewells.” The priest said. Castiel stood in the crowd, looking at the sky. He hoped Dean was happy in Heaven if there even was one.

Everyone took turns, walking up and sharing stories of him. His dad went first, sharing how he was loyal and kind to everyone around him, even from a young age. He told everyone how Dean carried his brother out their burning house and how he'd kept John sane enough to keep living for his sons His brother went next, sharing the weirdest and most shameful stories of Dean. He seemed as if he was hoping that Dean would kick his ass for sharing such stories. And then Bobby, Eileen, Jo, Lisa… and so on. Everyone had something to share, and Castiel was getting sick of the looks they’ve given him once they walked back to the crowd.

Castiel avoided their gaze entirely, and he continued to look at the sky. “Cas?” Sam asked softly. He put a hand on his shoulder, but Castiel jerked away quickly.

“Don’t,” Castiel said. He took in a shuddering breath, and he was the first to approach the coffin. He laid a hand on Dean’s, silent tears streaming down. He knows Dean didn’t want him to cry, but the tears flowed so naturally. Castiel was ashamed. Even when he was pale, Dean looked beautiful, and Castiel wished desperately that Dean would just open his eyes and say good morning. It would’ve been easier for him to imagine what would happen if Dean hadn’t died in his arms.

Dean would probably be kissing him awake, and Castiel would be hearing his raspy voice with a large grin. At first, they’d both think it was a dream. And the more they talked in the morning, the more they believed. Then they’d go to Dean’s parents’ house to tell them why he canceled his engagement, and they’d be holding hands there. John, and Gabriel and Sam, would scream “Finally!” Instead, Castiel is standing alone. He’s standing alone with his delusional self looking at the love of his life in sorrow. He expected this feeling at Dean and Lisa’s wedding, not at Dean’s funeral.

The funeral ended too early for Castiel’s liking. It’d been 5 hours in the sun, and it was burning everyone to crisp, but CAstiel ignored the heat. As attendees began to drive home, Castiel stood alone. Sam and Gabriel shot him one last look before they turned away and disappeared as well.

When Castiel was certain everyone was gone, he kneeled down in front of the stone. He hung his head in shame, and he clutched a necklace in his hand. It was the one Dean and Castiel had bought at that weird shop, Hot Topical, or whatever. The necklace became their symbol of brothership, and now it has become the symbol of loneliness. He kissed it, closing his eyes in memory of that day. He took in a shaky breath and began speaking.

“Dean… remember when we were kids and we introduced ourselves for the first time? I remember being the new kid, and there you were, crying about a pie your mom didn’t let you have for lunch. We began talking, and I shared a cookie with you. A week later, we began going to each other’s houses and just talking about the most stupid things. You told me about your perfect wedding- blue, pie, and outside because the sunset would be the most beautiful. But kids at school, they… You began thinking of yourself lowly. After seeing you cry in the corner of the room, I vowed to stay with you until you can describe yourself as beautiful as the sun.”

“Dean, I… I’m sorry. I failed you. You died thinking that… that you were insignificant until the moment I told you I loved you…If I didn’t do that, then maybe...” Castiel’s voice trailed off. “Goddammit, Dean. You know I can’t- I can’t go on if you aren’t here. People keep telling me it’ll get better, but what exactly will get better? Life? Me? I just wish we were back in time, where we could smile and laugh without a care for the world! Where we could be ourselves without social injustice, shame, hatred, whatever else is even out there. I just... I can't, Dean. Not without you.”

“So when people tell me that I needed to shake this off, to shake you off, and continue living… If living means going on without you, I’d rather die.” With that said, Castiel kissed the necklace he held in his hand, and he placed it down onto the grass. He raised his right hand and aimed for his heart.

A few hours later, Sam Winchester and Gabriel Novak walked back into the graveyard to give Dean some pie. It took Sam hours to convince Gabriel that the smell of pie could bring his brother back from the dead, and the tired doctor finally agreed. They wandered for a few minutes because they’d lost their way. Thankfully, they saw a familiar trench coat lying down a few yards away. They walked over.

“Hey, Cas. Think Dean will…” Sam suddenly stopped midway in his sentence. Because the trenchcoat had blood stains on them, and a hand was clenching a necklace Castiel had sworn he would protect until the day he died. Sam would know since he had to listen to Castiel and Dean practically every night.

“What the-” Gabriel frowned. He turned the limb body completely around, and just when Sam was wondering where Castiel’s other hand went, both men noticed that a hand was over a silver knife that punctured his body. Though they wanted to cry, they couldn’t.

Because now both of their brothers seem at peace.


End file.
